vulnerability

i need to talk about vulnerability for a second.  (or for quite some time)… shame has held me back from being vulnerable… from my friends, even from my doctors and therapist.  when that happens, i know that shit is bad.  my family doesn’t count in this because we’re never vulnerable, about anything. a doctor told me today that in order to move on from the hurtful jackass of the past few weeks, that i need to pause – take a break – from dating, from intimate relationships for some time… until i’m able to truly reclaim myself after what happened with the jackass guy… that i need to pick myself up (and allow OTHERS to help me too) and move towards healing. to work with trusted friends, my doctors, and therapist to help me on my journey.

everything with that guy started so  fast.  my voice was silenced – not heard – not respected. “you deserve better”, is what i’ve heard.  does anyone else have a difficult time grasping this concept, especially after a tumultuous situation?

i hope that the beginning of vulnerability is helpful and encouraging to others. may this journey continue – even if it’s painful.  because life isn’t all flowers and unicorns.

{because we are real human beings that need connection to survive.  your story is important, and no one can take your place.  don’t let shame hold you  back.  one foot in front of the other, together}

Exhausted, but fighting

Breathing, thinking, reflecting. Having trouble with sleep bc of problems related to my CP. My meds need to be adjusted, once again… 😦

The leg spasms are intense, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. This increases my anxiety, and BAM. Things are interesting around here. Hopeful for a good drs appt tomorrow. Night, friends.

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Affirmations, goodbyes, & self-care

I deserve health, happiness, & to be treated with care and love. I really struggled to sever ties with someone the other day, & I’m still wondering what the future with him would’ve been like. I deserve a non-abusive relationship, even if it seemed like things would get better with him.

Better is yet to come, even if I can’t see it yet.

read, write, repeat

that’s what i’ve been doing today… reading (books, blogs, tweets, posts) and writing (in a journal, facebook, twitter, and now on my laptop).

i don’t really use my laptop much… the iphone is just so much easier and more mobile. but i also like the feel of the laptop.  neither here nor there though.

i’ve focused a lot lately on advocacy lately.  i’m so tired of people being treated poorly because of who they ARE.. who they love, what they believe, how they look, what they say.

for instance, the shit that my LGBT friends face everyday is disgusting.  i’m often left speechless and downright angry, and i don’t identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgender. i can only imagine what goes on in their minds, in their worlds.  i stand with them – as a straight ally, friend, (or a therapist, as some clients identify as LGBT), and advocate.  a friend of  mine said today, “an ally is more than a straight person that supports LGBT folks… a true ally is one who listens, takes the attention away from themselves, loves, and learns.  it’s my hope that an ally is also a safe person.”

{a safe person}

i am thankful for my own safe people… that in the midst of chaos, uphill battles, difficult times, and triggers are [there] for me. not only in those times, but also the lovely, joyous, hilarious times.

and i pray that i will continue to be a safe person for others too.

It’s tough being wide awake when so many are sleeping. Thanks to a daytime nap for that.

Just now I was reminded of the atrocious behavior of Stephan Collins and my stomach is in knots. Perpetrators don’t fit a certain description or look a certain way. They can be moms, dads, siblings, teachers, clergy, neighbors, ANYONE.

I’ve avoided the news about him & his behavior- muted his interviews, closed the CNN app on my iPhone when he’s mentioned, etc. So not too long ago, I read the blog of a famous person and -bam- a story about Collins.

My stomach keeps turning and my heart is racing. Breathe, use your coping skills, you are okay.

Breathe. Use your coping skills. You are okay.

You’re safe.

& to others on my mind tonight, you’re safe too.