2 am

It’s 2 am. There’s too much going on.

I’m glad that my body is finally exhausted. My mind was there hours ago.

Hoping for sufficient rest.

May grace carry me through the tough time the past few weeks. I’m holding on & hopeful.

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Rest.

My soul is weary. Tired. Exhausted. Things feel uncertain. How I’m in need of fresh air- literally & figuratively.

Be still. Rest. Trust. Breathe.

“We were born to be alive, like we’re never giving in …. Just because it’s pouring down, doesn’t mean we’re going to drown …. Let it rain” – mat Kearney, ‘let it rain’

Dear Tammy

I miss my old therapist. Her name is Tammy & she moved out of state to direct a well known ED tx center. I ended up seeing her based on the recommendation of an (ex) friend.

I’d never been so honest with someone in my entire life. Tammy’s fire-orange hair matched her eclectic personality. She spent time in the woods to decompress and embraced her Native American heritage through her office decor and time spent drumming.

She was the mother I never had. Someone so loving and caring, who sat with me as I cried, as I talked about things I hadn’t remembered, nevermind shared with anyone.

She’s inspired me to keep going, to keep pushing forward. I’ve told her numerous times that if I’m a fourth of the therapist that she is, I’ll be satisfied.

Don’t get me wrong- my new therapist (since Tammy moved away years ago) is simply amazing. Different from Tammy, but so wonderful.

I need to see her more often… The minimum is every other week. Damn, damn money. Things aren’t going so well, but I’m trying; literally one foot in front of the other.

vulnerability

i need to talk about vulnerability for a second.  (or for quite some time)… shame has held me back from being vulnerable… from my friends, even from my doctors and therapist.  when that happens, i know that shit is bad.  my family doesn’t count in this because we’re never vulnerable, about anything. a doctor told me today that in order to move on from the hurtful jackass of the past few weeks, that i need to pause – take a break – from dating, from intimate relationships for some time… until i’m able to truly reclaim myself after what happened with the jackass guy… that i need to pick myself up (and allow OTHERS to help me too) and move towards healing. to work with trusted friends, my doctors, and therapist to help me on my journey.

everything with that guy started so  fast.  my voice was silenced – not heard – not respected. “you deserve better”, is what i’ve heard.  does anyone else have a difficult time grasping this concept, especially after a tumultuous situation?

i hope that the beginning of vulnerability is helpful and encouraging to others. may this journey continue – even if it’s painful.  because life isn’t all flowers and unicorns.

{because we are real human beings that need connection to survive.  your story is important, and no one can take your place.  don’t let shame hold you  back.  one foot in front of the other, together}

Exhausted, but fighting

Breathing, thinking, reflecting. Having trouble with sleep bc of problems related to my CP. My meds need to be adjusted, once again… 😦

The leg spasms are intense, especially at night when I’m trying to sleep. This increases my anxiety, and BAM. Things are interesting around here. Hopeful for a good drs appt tomorrow. Night, friends.

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